tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16579658237062058212024-03-19T10:32:46.603-07:00Skylands API New Jersey Support GroupKelly Coyle DiNorciahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11744586398185782613noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1657965823706205821.post-88775854172985788552009-01-21T07:23:00.000-08:002009-01-21T07:27:18.052-08:00Parents = PatriotsAlong with millions of other Americans - indeed, millions of people the world over - my family watched the inauguration of Barack Obama as the 44<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">th</span> President of the United States on Tuesday. We listened with rapt attention to his speech, which included this line:<br /><br /><blockquote>It is the firefighters courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a<br />parents willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.</blockquote><br /><br />I LOVE that! It's what Attachment Parents have been saying all along - that by nurturing our children, teaching them to be kind, compassionate, empathetic, connected yet independent individuals, we can change the world. So nice to have a young family in the White House, who understands the challenges we face across the world as well as in our own homes - I'm looking forward to the next four years.Kelly Coyle DiNorciahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11744586398185782613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1657965823706205821.post-68392975197531975852009-01-05T07:06:00.000-08:002009-01-05T07:14:04.200-08:00Babies Wearing BabiesOver the holiday week, I took my kids (along with my sister and her boyfriend) to the American Museum of Natural History in New York City. The first stop was the cafeteria, so that we could all fuel up for a busy day of dinosaur "watching". Since it was difficult to find an empty table, we pounced on the first one we saw and then went up to get our food in shifts so as to not lose our place. There was a little girl at the next table who kept looking at me and talking to her mom. I watched her mom shake her head. The girl pointed to me, and then pointed to her baby doll, which she was wearing in a sling, and her mom again shook her head "no". <br /><br />I caught the mom's eye and indicated that it was fine if her daughter came over to talk. With her mom's permission, she came over and said, "I am wearing my baby. Her name is Rebecca."<br /><br />"I am wearing MY baby, too! His name is Harry," I told her.<br /><br />"Rebecca likes to lay down in her sling and sleep. Does Harry like to do that?"<br /><br />"Well, he used to when he was little," I told her. "Now he's big and it's hard for him to get comfortable laying down. But he still sleeps in the sling sometimes, sitting up!"<br /><br />We talked for a minute or two longer. Then the little girl (somehow, I didn't catch <em>her</em> name) went back excitedly to her mother to tell her about Harry. I was excited to see the next generation caring lovingly for their "babies", and glad that I was able to offer a little positive reinforcement!Kelly Coyle DiNorciahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11744586398185782613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1657965823706205821.post-45352257723560251682008-11-10T07:16:00.000-08:002008-11-10T07:37:36.313-08:00The AP Balancing ActThis past weekend, I took a trip to Washington DC with my sister and the kids. Our plan was to go down on Friday, get settled in the hotel that night, then get up Saturday morning, go to the Green Festival in the morning and the zoo in the afternoon, go back to the Festival on Sunday morning for awhile and then head home.<br /><br />Ah, the best laid plans.<br /><br />Our schedule did look like that. However, the effort it took to keep it all together while getting around was frustrating and exhausting. Bess, a very spirited and sensitive child, was totally overstimulated by the city and disrupted by the change in routine and environment. It took us an hour and a half to walk the six blocks from the hotel to the Convention Center because she wanted to stop and look at every leaf, feel the sidewalks with their different textures, listen to the birds and the traffic, and climb on every statue. She didn't want to hold our hands while we navigated crowded sidewalks and busy streets. By the time we were ready to go to the zoo, she was so exhausted that she had a complete meltdown and fell asleep by six that evening. The next morning she was up before five, so by the time 2 pm came and I was poised to see the one speaker I had come for, she had had enough and we had to walk out.<br /><br />Through it all, I tried to stay calm. I tried to remember that, at three years old, she is egocentric and developmentally unable to consider a perspective other than her own. I tried to be sympathetic to the fact that she, like the adults in our party, was totally exhausted and overwhelmed by the sights, the noise, and our ambitious agenda. But I was frustrated. I wanted to look at the exhibits, to listen to some interesting speakers, to enjoy the zoo. I didn't get to do any of that, and I was mad.<br /><br />So I began to wonder - where was the balance in this situation? My sister really wanted to see the animals at the zoo, and so did I. She is a zoologist, and there were some really interesting and rare animals she wanted to view. I really wanted to hear the speakers at the Festival, and so did she. As a student of humane education, I had the opportunity to learn about what is going on in my field, to meet some interesting people, and to hear some new ideas. Neither one of us got our needs met. Neither did Bess, really.<br /><br />Part of AP is making sure everyone's needs are getting met, within reason. When babies are small, their needs often take priority over ours. A hungry baby gets fed before we do. A baby who is crying at 2 am gets attended to at the cost of our own rest. But as our children grow, they start to be able to defer their own needs and we can start to rediscover ours.<br /><br />I'm not sure what I could have done differently to make this weekend go more smoothly. Bess is an exuberant, observant and strong-willed child who is exploring her independence in age-appropriate ways. Usually, that's perfectly fine with me, but this time I hoped I could do what *I* wanted to do. Perhaps the trip was just ill-conceived and there was nothing that could have been done to improve the outcome. If you have any thoughts, please comment! I would love some ideas!Kelly Coyle DiNorciahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11744586398185782613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1657965823706205821.post-62931508995630263032008-11-01T04:31:00.000-07:002008-11-01T04:32:52.897-07:00Halloween Baby Wearing<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgs7ExOFSXCrzcvhzesOpzErl8zZBo5iH3ziXSeml1atVqHOvNub11Z7u9v0GcBvyXsT53Wml_vgsKXiWQGLtY2Q1B69Xc0nLO-ECJyaA1pfZlZ3FJzJWWJnoQWLpUR5DIScjBksN9kmI6/s1600-h/IMG_1650.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5263650618011357826" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgs7ExOFSXCrzcvhzesOpzErl8zZBo5iH3ziXSeml1atVqHOvNub11Z7u9v0GcBvyXsT53Wml_vgsKXiWQGLtY2Q1B69Xc0nLO-ECJyaA1pfZlZ3FJzJWWJnoQWLpUR5DIScjBksN9kmI6/s200/IMG_1650.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div><br />An owl in a tree!Kelly Coyle DiNorciahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11744586398185782613noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1657965823706205821.post-30560688778084285632008-10-27T11:10:00.000-07:002008-10-27T11:11:55.279-07:00Yesterday, Bess and I were telling each other knock-knock jokes in the car. Here are some of hers:<br /><br />Knock, knock.<br /><br />Who's there?<br /><br />Harry.<br /><br />Harry who?<br /><br />Harry tree.<br /><br /><br />Knock, knock.<br /><br />Who's there?<br /><br />Picture.<br /><br />Picture who?<br /><br />Picture goo.<br /><br />Ah, to be three again.Kelly Coyle DiNorciahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11744586398185782613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1657965823706205821.post-23363957828405509282008-10-25T08:19:00.000-07:002008-10-25T09:33:54.441-07:00When the Going Gets Tough, AP Gets Going<div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzHf0uQT9BTvtnVYnn83pQOrK-7V8KQ3bM9iBV_2E4XUyU4BrsavtpPSTU9eqntT9dxGVfIJ8PT8WLwg-d_bC6ySZRhrzN6IQQrWgs8AKaly47fiudPOVeSn4firZFRpPOdaV4VRLhpSj9/s1600-h/IMG_1522.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5261112502890629778" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 200px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 150px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzHf0uQT9BTvtnVYnn83pQOrK-7V8KQ3bM9iBV_2E4XUyU4BrsavtpPSTU9eqntT9dxGVfIJ8PT8WLwg-d_bC6ySZRhrzN6IQQrWgs8AKaly47fiudPOVeSn4firZFRpPOdaV4VRLhpSj9/s200/IMG_1522.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><div>Last Wednesday, my baby Harry went in for a bilateral inguinal hernia repair - same day surgery. All went well, the surgery was successful, and he was sent home about six hours after surgery.</div><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><div>He was very tired that day, as were we all. He ended up falling asleep before six o'clock, and I fell asleep right along with him. The doctor had recommended that we give him Tylenol every six hours to maintain his comfort, so at midnight I got up and gave him a dose. I noticed that he had a bit of a fever, but I wasn't alarmed because the surgeon had told me to anticipate a bit of this due to the effects of the procedure and anesthesia. I went back to sleep, but woke out of a dead sleep at 2 am in a panic. I reached over to touch Harry's forehead, and he was on fire. I called his pediatrician who suggested that we get him to the ER right away.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div>In the end, it was probably viral, but we spent four stressful days in the hospital while we waited for his temperature to normalize, for him to be hydrated intravenously, and for all his blood and urine cultures to come back normal. I do believe that our Attachment Parenting style helped him to recover quickly and fully, but it ended up being even more useful once we got home.</div><br /><div></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGufFmZ1GTqbOH28XNbA9QdabOb6hkYo9z5jO2ZltG0vkpdMeAwEKhJVEes4PiZYuXsSxi7_utczbWn4fDIRQQSj2RT7mgMQu6niDL18jHQITLTsGCifUmBVR0Jjd_yHKWr3e4dloqR4b3/s1600-h/IMG_1478.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5261128799477074418" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; WIDTH: 166px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 200px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhGufFmZ1GTqbOH28XNbA9QdabOb6hkYo9z5jO2ZltG0vkpdMeAwEKhJVEes4PiZYuXsSxi7_utczbWn4fDIRQQSj2RT7mgMQu6niDL18jHQITLTsGCifUmBVR0Jjd_yHKWr3e4dloqR4b3/s200/IMG_1478.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div>My three-year-old daughter Bess was home with her Aunt Lauren while Harry and I were in the hospital and my husband John was back and forth to home, hospital and work. Once we were home safe and sound, Bess basically had the preschooler version of a nervous breakdown. She had one hysterical meltdown after another about anything and everything. She didn't know what she wanted, so she just kept asking for this doll, this snack, this outfit, but nothing was quite right or quite enough.</div><br /><div></div><div>I was beyond exhausted and barely had the energy to get up and move around. I definitely didn't think I had it in my reserves to deal with the non-stop tantrums. But I took a deep breath, sat back, and listened to what she had to say. Eventually, she admitted that she was afraid that we had brought Harry to the hospital - which happened to be the same hospital where he had been born - because we were "giving him back" to the nurses. I never would have dreamed that was what she was thinking, but there it was. Once I assured her that Harry was here to stay, with us, things got much better very quickly. She was still tired and a little clingy when she was separated from her brother - she called me on my cell phone with a desperate "Where's Harry?" when I brought him to the doctor for a follow-up visit without her - but I think that having the space to figure out her feelings and the permission to express them did her a world of good.</div><div> </div><div>It's easy to talk about AP with a little baby. Breastfeed, co-sleep, baby wear, just simply be around - it's physically exhausting, but really not so hard. It's when they get older, and issues and personalities begin to come into play, that the real work begins. It is then that the groundwork of trust and cooperation that has been laid really comes in handy.</div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div></div>Kelly Coyle DiNorciahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11744586398185782613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1657965823706205821.post-29800370418704573122008-10-15T14:23:00.000-07:002008-10-15T14:28:42.875-07:00Gratuitous Cute Baby Pic!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4GSiUCmRlI2iAgL7KwGDHd8T3azjRfYgoo60c_TSgiwvvV9g5CuDHR_etEiowBxa8ahKy5zI3sszdTZ8D66JYVV2rPkpXbirbXYmeWMgVJ2qMJ-YMb0GDjJjrabnd2_H9bm2A3X0cdwaI/s1600-h/IMG_1410_1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5257495400398570226" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4GSiUCmRlI2iAgL7KwGDHd8T3azjRfYgoo60c_TSgiwvvV9g5CuDHR_etEiowBxa8ahKy5zI3sszdTZ8D66JYVV2rPkpXbirbXYmeWMgVJ2qMJ-YMb0GDjJjrabnd2_H9bm2A3X0cdwaI/s200/IMG_1410_1.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div></div><br />Harry, 5 months oldKelly Coyle DiNorciahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11744586398185782613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1657965823706205821.post-21829485764343762392008-10-14T17:29:00.000-07:002008-10-14T18:06:37.456-07:00What AP is NOT submitted by Kelly Coyle DiNorciaIn anticipation of next week's open house, I sent out about a million (give or take) press releases and brochures to local papers, radio stations, magazines, and practitioners. One of them was my own pediatrician. Imagine my surprise when I went in for a visit today and there was my letter and brochure, clipped to my son's chart. I should have known that she would never post anything in her office about an organization that she didn't thoroughly research and support.<br /><br />Tell me what this is all about, she said.<br /><br />I was totally caught off guard and not having my best day in general, so I definitely wasn't in PR mode. I blathered something incoherent about co-sleeping, or maybe breastfeeding, and mentioned positive discipline.<br /><br />No, I mean give me an example of something a child might do and how you might handle it, she said, cutting to the chase.<br /><br />I couldn't really think of anything, so she began to talk about how kids today "don't know how to act". From what I could gather, she shares one of the most common misconceptions about AP, which is that AP equals letting kids do whatever they want, wherever they want, whenever they want.<br /><br />On the <a href="http://feeds.feedburner.com/APISpeaks?format=xml">API website </a>there is a blog post by Dr. Lawrence Cohen, author of one of my all-time favorite parenting books, <em><a href="http://www.playfulparenting.com/">Playful Parenting</a></em>. He discusses some of the most common difficulties that attached parents run into, such as aggressiveness, defiance and oversensitivity between the ages of 2 and 4. He assures parents that this does not mean that they are doing it wrong, or that AP is wrong, but that every approach has its drawbacks and these are the common "itches" (his word) associated with AP.<br /><br />So, back to Dr. B - she said that as much as she loves kids (and she does, she's a wonderful woman and amazingly compassionate physician) she asks not to be seated near them when she goes out to eat, because kids don't know how to act in restaurants. Now, most of the advice she's given me has been in line with the principles of AP, so I'd find it difficult to believe that she expects young kids to sit quietly for an hour or two in a restaurant listening to adult conversation, but for the sake of argument, let's say she does. Clearly, it is more pleasant to dine with a three-year-old who acts that way than it is to dine with, say, MY three-year-old. If I were out for a rare adults-only dinner, I wouldn't want to sit by a three-year-old either. I've been out to eat where the child at the table next to us was literally throwing glasses and plates off the table, smashing them on the floor, and the parents did nothing to stop the behavior. True story. I would argue that it isn't the child who doesn't know how to behave in that case, but the adult, but that's besides the point.<br /><br />The question remains, is it that my three-year-old doesn't know how to act in restaurants, or is it that we, as a culture, have unreasonable expectations of three-year-olds in restaurants? Is it realistic to expect her to sit quietly in a chair for an hour or so? Or should we choose our dining establishments more carefully, or plan more thoroughly, or maybe forgo public eateries for a few years?<br /><br />To get back to the point - AP is not permissive parenting. Kids need limits. Hitting: not okay. Biting: not okay. Running in the street: definitely not okay. Smashing plates on the floor: we're leaving, after we pay the manager for the broken dinnerware. What I tried, with very minimal success, to explain to Dr. B is that it's not about anything goes parenting, because we all (or we all should) have rules. It's about <em>how</em> we get our kids to comply with rules. Do they comply because they're afraid of what we'll do to them if they don't? If so, that's not AP. Do they comply because they are aware of natural consequences? Maybe AP. Do they comply because they have a respectful relationship with you, the parent, and as such wish to maintain the give-and-take that such a relationship entails? BINGO!Kelly Coyle DiNorciahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11744586398185782613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1657965823706205821.post-16596204059071891412008-10-11T07:23:00.000-07:002008-10-11T14:01:08.604-07:00Babywearing Good For Mama, Too! submitted by Kelly Coyle DiNorciaYesterday I was talking to a friend about attachment parenting, and we were discussing the assumptions and (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">mis</span></span>)perceptions that people have about what AP is. People assume you have to be a non-wage-earning parent (mother) to be an attached parent; they assume you <em>have</em> to do this or that (<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">babywear</span></span>, co-sleep, breastfeed for an extended amount of time) to be AP <em>enough </em>to consider yourself attached. People have often commented to me that they "just couldn't do it", that AP is too intense for them.<br /><br />I've got news for you, folks. Parenting is intense work. It's hard, exhausting, time-consuming and draining emotionally, physically and financially. AP or no, being a parent is going to push you to your limits and beyond on a regular basis.<br /><br />The way I see it, Attachment Parenting represents nothing less than a paradigm shift. We are used to competitive thinking in our society - if I am meeting my baby's needs all the time, then I am necessarily not meeting my own. Or worse, my "need" to "wait on my child hand and foot" stems from sort of psychopathology. AP, on the other hand, is at its core an effort to find ways to meet <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">everyone's</span></span> needs at the same time. Revolutionary!<br /><br /><a href="http://www.babywearinginternational.org/"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">Babywearing</span></span> International</a>, as part of their celebration of <a href="http://www.babywearingweek.org/">International <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">Babywearing</span></span> Week 2008</a>, is putting out a beautiful and well-researched brochure called "<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">Babywearing</span></span>: Benefits for Mothers With Postpartum Depression or Depression". I am really interested in this effort, for two reasons. One is that, as someone who has suffered from <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">PPD</span></span>, I recognize the intense need for acknowledgement of this issue and efforts to alleviate the suffering of new mothers. And the other is that it acknowledges the fact that <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">babywearing</span></span>, while it is good for babies for any number of reasons, is also good for MOTHERS! The benefits are listed in the brochure as follows:<br /><br /><ul><li><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">Babywearing</span></span> reduces infant crying significantly which means less stress for mom</li><li><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Babywearing</span></span> helps babies sleep better and longer which means less stress for mom</li><li><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Babywearing</span></span> increases mom's confidence</li><li><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Babywearing</span></span> promotes bonding which makes parenting easier and more enjoyable</li><li><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Babywearing</span></span> helps moms meet baby's need for contact easily which means less stress for mom</li><li><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13"><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Babywearing</span></span> allows mom to care for baby while doing other things like eating, caring for other children, or going out for some sunshine, fresh air and exercise</li></ul><p>And I have to add one more: carrying around an extra fifteen pounds helps you to get rid of the extra baby weight.</p><p>A win - win all around. </p>Kelly Coyle DiNorciahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11744586398185782613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1657965823706205821.post-31733063204069057262008-10-07T06:58:00.000-07:002008-10-07T16:13:05.242-07:00Children Learn What They Live submitted by Kelly Coyle DiNorcia<div>What a beautiful gift we give our children by modelng loving caregiving for them!</div><br /><br /><br /><div></div><br /><br /><br /><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3mNhae4NTcsHYAaWLIbXpzN7lOmnwBftRUT_KvgIcF75RxG1QsAxvjp7hvqH8M2bjhbAtVCxxth1OJd6ghn408yxqt5PifmQmkzeq-Fx4OUf3dW4vUV7FDXfTYR0E4ld9Xe4R8iyhmz-c/s1600-h/IMG_1457_1.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5254435317404690418" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3mNhae4NTcsHYAaWLIbXpzN7lOmnwBftRUT_KvgIcF75RxG1QsAxvjp7hvqH8M2bjhbAtVCxxth1OJd6ghn408yxqt5PifmQmkzeq-Fx4OUf3dW4vUV7FDXfTYR0E4ld9Xe4R8iyhmz-c/s200/IMG_1457_1.jpg" border="0" /></a></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div><br /><div></div>Kelly Coyle DiNorciahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11744586398185782613noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1657965823706205821.post-75011966418355169812008-10-03T05:47:00.001-07:002008-10-03T11:16:04.012-07:00Heart of the Home submitted by Kelly Coyle DiNorciaLast night our Holistic Moms Network chapter hosted an amazing speaker, Teresa Haggerty, who basically spoke about the power of our beliefs and how what we believe influences (controls?) our lives. Afterwards, many of the moms shared their personal stories, struggles and concerns, and I was struck by the amount of pressure we moms put on ourselves.<br /><br />Most of the moms expressed the belief that they are the heart of their homes. I happen to share that belief - mothers have a lot of power over the way a home functions and the emotional state of all its inhabitants. We believe that we have to clean the house, do the laundry, cook the meals, schedule the appointments, do the driving, arrange the social calendar, and do it all while maintaining an even keel and a happy smile. If we fail to do all these things we are a "bad mom" (in whose eyes I'm not sure - our partner (if we have one)? our children? our in-laws? our friends and neighbors? or our own???).<br /><br />I began to think about the inconsistency of these two beliefs. On the one hand, we are "investors" in our families, to use Teresa's term. We give and give and give.....and yet we expect ourselves to not only give, but do it happily and gladly 100% of the time. We realize that our own mental state has a huge influence over the mood and behavior of our family members, yet we leave little or no time to fill our own tanks. No wonder so many moms feel inadequate, exhausted, frustrated and unappreciated. We've set ourselves up for failure because we hold two mutually inconsistent beliefs. On the one hand, we believe that it is our job to meet the needs of our families, whatever we define those needs to be, without fail or complaint. On the other hand, we believe that meeting our own needs is at the bottom of the "to-do" list every day.<br /><br />So, in the spirit of the Eighth Priniciple of Attachment Parenting - Finding Balance, I'd like to propose a new belief: My needs are JUST AS IMPORTANT as my kids', my partner's, my family's, needs. Because if we don't believe it, how can we expect anyone else to?Kelly Coyle DiNorciahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11744586398185782613noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1657965823706205821.post-33976931708014594992008-09-29T06:28:00.000-07:002008-09-29T06:46:41.129-07:00Embracing My Imperfections submitted by Kelly Coyle DiNorciaIt's been a long week. The grind of caring for an infant is starting to wear on me - as much as I enjoy it, the constant carrying and nursing and diapering and nursing and waking is exhausting. Bess has recently taken to throwing knock-down, drag-out temper tantrums, often more than once a day. John was away for most of the weekend working. The rain kept us home, all together in our little house, trying to find things to do to pass the dreary day.<br /><br />Last night I welcomed bath time, as it signaled the end of a long, long day. I put Harry in the sink, hoping that he would enjoy playing in the water for awhile so that I could enjoy a rest from carrying an extra sixteen pounds. Bess decided she wanted to "help", which really means she wants to splash water all over the place, including Harry's face, and blow bubbles in the air. Normally, I try to take this type of opportunity to teach her how to be gentle with her brother, let her make all the mess she wants (it's only water, after all) and then help her clean it up before it's time for her to hit the tub. Last night, I just didn't have it in me to deal.<br /><br />Normally, I would try to ignore my growing impatience and overcome the urge to scream until, finally, I would blow my top and lose it, and then feel guilty about it for the next three days, beating myself up for failing to be a good mother.<br /><br />I wonder where Bess' tantrum inclination comes from?<br /><br />Yesterday, I tried something different. I said, "Bess, Mommy is feeling very anxious and agitated right now, and I'm having a hard time being patient. Would it be okay if I just gave Harry a bath without your help, and then you can play all you want in the tub when it's time for your bath?"<br /><br />She agreed and went into the other room to pick her pajamas and bedtime stories.<br /><br />Why is this so revolutionary for me? Seems pretty obvious, really. But it wasn't, at least to me. It took courage for me to say it out loud: I am not a perfect mother. I am losing my patience and will probably start yelling and saying things I'd rather not say pretty soon. Right now, my need for a little quiet and order is more important than my daughter's need to explore her environment and feel a part of what is going on in our house. I'm only human, and there's only so much I can take!<br /><br />I am trying to teach my spirited daughter to manage her intensity by recognizing her meltdown cues before it becomes completely unmanageable for her. I have taught her to take a "time-out" when she needs some quiet time to calm down. We have a magic word she can use to ask for my help when she feels that she's losing control of herself. I have counseled her to use words instead of hands (feet, fists, teeth, shoes, rocks....) when she is frustrated and someone is invading her physical or mental space. We are working on taking deep breaths to regain our center when we are feeling out of balance - or screaming hysterically. But maybe, by admitting my weakness, I am really giving my daughter the strength to manage her emotions instead of letting them manage her?Kelly Coyle DiNorciahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11744586398185782613noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1657965823706205821.post-32166404891928361412008-09-24T12:25:00.000-07:002008-09-24T13:34:35.997-07:00My Family Bed submitted by Kelly Coyle DiNorcia6:30 pm - We begin "the launch sequence". Hubby takes 3yo DD and gives her a bath in the tub, I take 4mo <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">DS</span> and bathe him in the kitchen sink.<br /><br />7:00 pm - We take turns at the changing table getting kiddos into <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">jammies</span>.<br /><br />7:05 pm - I nurse baby to sleep and lie next to him, reading by <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">booklight</span>.<br /><br />7:10 pm - Hubby reads daughter a book in the living room, three times, and then brings her to bed.<br /><br />7:23 pm - Two <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">labrador</span> retrievers (combined weight 124 pounds) and two cats join us.<br /><br />7:27 pm - Daughter decides to jump on the bed. Baby wakes up. I nurse him back to sleep as hubby tries to get daughter to sit still.<br /><br />7:31 pm - Daughter decides she wants to sleep *ON* Daddy. Lies down.<br /><br />7:33 pm - "Stop <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">fidgeting</span>."<br /><br />7:34 pm - "Please stop <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">fidgeting</span>."<br /><br />7:36 pm - "If you don't stop <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">fidgeting</span> you can't lay on me."<br /><br />7:37 pm - "STOP MOVING."<br /><br />7:46 pm - Daughter falls asleep.<br /><br />7:49 pm - I start the water to take a nice, warm, relaxing shower after a long day.<br /><br />7:51 pm - Baby wakes up crying.<br /><br />7:52 pm - Get out of shower, dry off and crawl back into bed to nurse baby back to sleep.<br /><br />8:03 pm - Consider having an adult conversation with hubby. Choose sleep instead.<br /><br />9:12 pm - Phone rings. Ignore it.<br /><br />10:24 pm - Daughter kicks me in the head. Dog has to go out.<br /><br />11:40 pm - Wake up to use the bathroom. Other dog has to go out.<br /><br />12:07 am - Baby wakes up. Daughter wakes up and says, "Mommy, can you please feed that baby. I can't sleep with him crying like that," rolls over, and goes back to sleep. Nurse baby back to sleep.<br /><br />1:56 am - Wake up because electricity is out. Hubby gets up to call power company. Both dogs have to go out. Call them to come back in, but I can't see them in the dark and they are ignoring me. Baby wakes up because I'm not next to him. Nurse baby back to sleep.<br /><br />2:09 am - Hubby comes back to bed with dogs. Daughter rolls over and snuggles against me, pinning me between her and baby. I begin to notice a dull ache in my left shoulder.<br /><br />2:22 am - Power comes back on. Baby is restless; lay him on my chest and go back to sleep. I need to use the bathroom, but decide that emptying my bladder is not worth the risk.<br /><br />3:01 am - Cats decide to have a wrestling match on the bed. Kick them out of the bedroom. Tell dogs to go lay down.<br /><br />4:07 am - Baby becomes restless. Morning nurse-a-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">thon</span> begins.<br /><br />5:19 am - Baby finishes nursing. Laughs and gurgles. Heart melts. Hubby gets up with baby & dog, and dog #2 and I snuggle under the covers hoping for another hour of sleep, sweet sleep before daughter wakes.<br /><br />6:46 am - Daughter wakes. Rolls over and says, "Mommy, you know what? I love you. Can we snuggle for a little?"<br /><br />Priceless.Kelly Coyle DiNorciahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11744586398185782613noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1657965823706205821.post-1397765692652844242008-09-22T14:26:00.000-07:002008-09-24T13:35:39.501-07:00Cry Like a Baby? submitted by Kelly Coyle DiNorciaI have a wonderful, amazing, loving young college student who comes to play with my kids a day or two a week so I can get some work done. Today she made an interesting comment to me: "Harry [my four-month-old baby] never cries when you're holding him, does he?"<br /><br />Well....no. Duh.<br /><br />But really, is it so obvious? I have had people comment frequently to me that they never hear a peep out of him. Is it because he's so laid-back? It makes me wonder - why *DO* babies cry?<br /><br />A quick Google search reveals many reasons that "experts" have identified for crying. Hunger, dirty diaper, fatigue, boredom, pain or discomfort, need for contact. However, the fact that I wear my baby - meaning that I carry him pretty much all the time, what is affectionately called "baby as accessory" in my house - pretty much eliminates the need for crying for these reasons. I recognize his hunger signals and allow him to nurse before he needs to cry. I am aware when he soils his diaper and quickly change it. If he's tired, he's quickly lulled to sleep by my constant movement. He is rarely bored because he's with me all the time, watching what I do and learning all about the world. If there was cause for him to be uncomfortable or in pain, I'd know it - I'd be hot or cold too, or I would have noticed if something happened to him. And his need for contact is being satisfied, as well as my need to get things done and my desire for some quiet time.<br /><br />Worn babies cry less, it stands to reason. Of course, some babies do not like to be worn - not everyone likes that much contact. And babywearing is impractical for some parents, such as those with physical challenges. But the arguments against babywearing - that babies will fail to develop physically or be "spoiled", somehow damaged, by being held just don't make sense. Adjusting to the constant movements of their caretaker, worn babies develop good muscle tone; in fact, in indigenous cultures where babies are routinely worn, they frequently show exceptional motor development. And research has shown that babies who cry release stress hormones in their bodies, and this is not necessarily good for them. If we can find a way to eliminate, or at least alleviate, stress on their tiny little bodies, that can't be a bad thing, can it?Kelly Coyle DiNorciahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11744586398185782613noreply@blogger.com1